I will ...

Do you make resolutions?

I'm going to get in shape.  I'm going to take better care of myself.  I'm going to travel.  I'm going to ... brush my teeth more ... I don't know.

What if we all resolved not to make resolutions.  What if we all went on with our lives as we have for countless days prior?  What if we made resolutions so outlandish and against "the general policy" that it were to cancel the entire practice altogether?

I resolve to ...

not feel guilty eating that second piece of cake.

hug my child more.

take more naps.

sit on my bum every once in a while.

let my kids stay in their pajamas all day.

take more risks.

do nothing.

whine.

drink more wine.

stop and count before I yell ... whatever the situation.

pay it forward.

write more letters.

fall asleep on the couch.

take more walks.

eat a box of chocolates for dinner.

compliment my students more, and be more patient with them.

read lots of good books.

to not worry about unidentified spots on my clothes.

to leave dishes in the sink.

to continue being me, making mistakes, not being perfect, being as good as I can be, trust in God, and not be ashamed to say I'm wrong.

There ... that should cover it.

January 3rd, 2015

What My Students Taught Me

I’m a teacher, pretty damn proud of that fact.  Yes, the smell of new textbooks, the sound it makes when the binding is cracked, Ticonderoga brand pencils, Trapper Keepers; it all does it for me.  Yet, nowadays, I have noticed that I don’t just teach, I learn.  I can be taught.  I can listen.  I can take criticism.  If my lesson sucks, tell me.  Does that mean I can tell you about yourself as a student?  I sometimes feel underappreciated, I feel worthless, and I get pissed off.  If I think about this to myself, I will often get a sudden urge to blurt out in front of room 214, “Do you know how late I stayed up last night doing all this work for you and now you throw it in the garbage can …”, it wouldn’t be the first or last time.  I work my ass off to teach my students.  But I also understand that I am meant to be a learner, because I love learning.  How cliché?  Aren’t we meant to be life long learners as educators?  Here’s the catch though … I learn from my students.  Most of the teachers around me don’t teach me much, but the students do.

They have taught me how to care in a manner I have never cared.  I have learned to buy extra snacks for my teacher desk drawers because someone is always hungry.  They always need pencils, Band-Aids for too tight shoes, boy advice, girl advice, parent advice, and college advice.  They still cry.  They’re still sensitive.  They know what they want.  They know who they are.  They know what they believe.  You just want to hug them.  Girls talk about girls and say mean things when you have thought they are friends … and then they turncoat on each other.  It’s sad and makes me first of all disbelieve I was ever that way, even though embarrassingly I know I was.  Secondly, and more importantly, they have taught me they are tough on the inside, but also outside.  They’ll get through and think back “How silly” just like I do all the time.  

What I just said, I have known.  Here is what I am learning now.  Students.  Don’t.  Care.  I don’t understand.  They teach me just how apathetic and ignorant they are.  They blame everything and everyone around them for their lack of “whatever” except themselves.  This is not one of those stories where I tell you how I walked up hill, both ways, in the snow, with wet shoes to school and I appreciated it.  I never walked to school.  I never had holes in my shoes.  The worst was standing outside in the snow – it was cold – but snow is cold.  I did carry textbooks, big heavy ones.  There was no such thing as a classroom set.  We carried our books from class to class to class because we went to our lockers in the morning, and afternoon, and we never questioned that.  Kids have really grown a set to question our expectations in their everyday scholastic lives. 

Students believe themselves entitled.  Entitled to whatever they want.  Now, before you get all hot and bothered under the collar, get your panties in a bunch, take a chill pill … I’m generalizing.  That’s right, profilin’.  Every student is not this way.  There are still the ones who care, who value and appreciate their education.  However, I challenge you to show me a teacher who cannot say they have seen this plain truth in the flesh.  Students.  Don’t.  Care. 

If our students are passing, that is all that matters.  Passing.  And I’m talking passing.  A 59.5% is passing in the school district I teach at.  A 59.5% rounds to a 60, that is the lowest D- you can earn.  And I do say earn.  Grades aren’t given; at least not in classroom 214.  Kids will try to negotiate with me about having homework?  One such situation; a boy asked a buddy to do one side of a worksheet and he would do the other side.  They could switch answers.  This same student then negotiated the other side with someone else.  Did he do any work?  NONE. What happened to the dignity, the prestige, the honor of earning a really high grade and being proud of your own hard work in the matter?  I remember sitting up for hours studying APUSH, doing a French Cultural project, don’t get me started about Calculus … but I did it because it was expected.  I was a student.  My job was to learn.  When I went to school I could not stand in front of a Smart Board and take a picture with my cell phone instead of copying the notes from the board myself.  I wrote until my hand hurt … literally.  I was afraid to miss something.  I fell asleep with textbooks in my lap in the middle of the night.  I started the coffeemaker at 10pm.  My parents were in bed asleep.  I could not imagine failing … let alone a B or [gasp] a C.  When did this become OK?  When did it become acceptable to not do your best, but just pass?  All is well if you pass.  Don’t get me started on getting paid for good grades. 

Is it all a show?  Do they actually care, but just want to act “cool” and seem as though they don’t.  I can’t tell.  I don’t know.  I have had too many students tell me they would rather take a 0 then do the assignment or try again to think it is all a show.  How disappointing. 

And that is what it is … I’m disappointed.  As teachers, we hold on to that hope, that dream, that “joy”, that we will have the privilege of teaching those students (or even a few students, I’ll take a few at this point) who care about their future.  That we can say we sat across a table from them, challenged them to think, and saw them win that challenge due to hard work.  I wish I saw every day those students who put in every ounce of effort they can … A for effort.  Those who know they are not the next D1 athlete, or D2, or D3.  They are not the next HOVA or “creative genius” but they are just an everyday all-American, drive a 10-year-old Honda student who works their ass off and is rewarded for their hard work.  And they might not go to Harvard, but they go to a pretty great university, perhaps they rush, perhaps they don’t.  They go to class because that is what their loans or their scholarships or their parents’ hard earned money is paying for.  They earn high grades by going to classes that actually happen, and do their work, and are proud of their achievements and they find a job. 

Perhaps they become a teacher and stand in front of a classroom of 30 students who maybe smell, perhaps they seem sleepy, perhaps they’re high, and will say … this is what Mrs. Walizer was talking about. 

It’s 10:26 pm on a Tuesday night and I’m tired, but one of my classes did not fair so well today, so I’m rewriting an assignment to help them.  Perhaps not all of them will end up in the circular file tomorrow.

Sometimes ... you just put the kids in daycare ...

My husband and I don't get much time together ... just the two of us ... (we can make it if we try, just the two of us).

His work shifts generally start at 7am or 8am.  I say his shifts start ... there is no end time.  The end time is when everything is handled.  That's what you get when you're the Front of House Manager at The Hotel Hershey.

I'm a teacher.  I'm at my high school generally by 7am and I leave at around 4pm.  I get the boys since Michael has dropped them off and we wait for Daddy to come home.  When he comes home we have dinner, take baths, do programs, do bedtime, and off I go to the basement to appease my very busy teaching schedule with lesson planning, worksheet making, and test grading while Michael answers emails, texts, meeting reminders, etc.  

Today was one of those rare occasions.  I had Columbus Day off and he could ask for the day off and DAYCARE WAS OPEN.  So, I 100% admit that we put the boys in daycare and we had our day.

It might of involved:

sleep in
lie in
coffee in bed
"coffee in bed"
lunch
winery
solving world hunger
laughs
mockery
kudos in whatever to each other
lovely dinner with our boys
picking them up together - both being heroes

Damn, we needed it.

And it just so happens to be my 36th birthday in 2 days.  Great occasion!

October 13th, 2014

I can vote now ...

So, it's happened.  I finally did it.  I took the plunge, or more literally, the OATH.

I am now a citizen of the great country of the United States of America.

It's been a process that started back in April, maybe March.  Do the form, send the form, pay the money, get your picture taken, get your fingerprints, go to an initial hearing, get more pictures, get your documents, study for the test, get the interview, go to the interview, pass the interview, go to the ceremony, raise your hand, say the words, CRY.  Because I did.  As a dear friend said to me today, you will finally feel like you belong.  And he was right.

My dear husband joined me today with our two sons, who he wrangled in place while I sat and raised my hand and said the words and was accepted.  I think he took a few people out when trying to get me on tape saying the oath.  What a dear.

But I can vote now.

And I belong.

And I am proud to say that I am now an American.

September 5th, 2014

Hey, where's Perry?

I'll take a great shopping trip whenever I can.

Today, my boys let me get coffee and breakfast, and joined me.  We looked for winter coats(yes, I was that mum kneeling on the floor of Carter's Outlet as my boys tried on 4T, 5T, size small coats) as I judged what a sweatshirt underneath would do to sleeve length.  They also helped me window shop and choose a dress for my OATH ceremony this Friday.  I'll try it on later.  So, did I reward them?  Yes, I did.

Hey, where's Perry?

September 1st, 2014

the things pregnancy does to us

The end of summer ... and its been long.  Let me tell you how it started.

My summer started early, you see.  As of April 29th, I have been to a vein specialist ten times, maybe 11.  I lost count.  For much of my life I have suffered from the very unsightly and often painful condition of varicosity.  The technical definition quoteth http://www.webmd.com

"Varicose veins are twisted, enlarged veinsnear the surface of the skin. They are most common in the legs and ankles. They usually aren't serious, but they can sometimes lead to other problems.

Varicose veins are caused by weakened valves and veins in your legs. Normally, one-way valves in your veins keep blood flowing from your legs up toward your heart. When these valves do not work as they should, blood collects in your legs, and pressure builds up. The veins become weak, large, and twisted.

Varicose veins often run in families. Aging also increases your risk.

Being overweight or pregnant or having a job where you must stand for long periods of time increases pressure on leg veins. This can lead to varicose veins.

Varicose veins look dark blue, swollen, and twisted under the skin."

I will spare you the pictures.  

Laser treatments(injections of local so they can shove a laser up your dead vein and kill it), phlebectomies(stab avulsion and scalpel cuts to pull out your veins with clamps WHILE YOU ARE AWAKE - they look like shoelaces by the way), sclerotherapy(foam injections to be bound with really big PUFF balls), compression hose(boy, these are something special), large maxi-pads taped to my legs(YES, maxi-pads), bruising, discoloring, limping, inquisitive toddlers, etc. etc. etc.  

But I am on my way to being done ... thank goodness.  Unfortunately, my doctor has retired in ... 7 days.  My last appointment he wanted to pop one of the small clots in my left leg, but I wouldn't let him as my boys were with me, so I must now start (or shall we say continue) these procedures with a new doctor.  I loved my doctor.  I will miss him.  

Tomorrow, I will go back to school with fewer veins, more bruising, and inquiring students.  These procedures kicked my ass.  I never expected to be so tired, I never expected it to be so painful; and I can take pain.  The hose are a joy - let me tell you.  Sooooo tight.  You sweat putting them on.  NOT COOL in the summer, not cool.  At least the students will not think I have aliens growing in my legs anymore. 

What have I learned from all this ... I should of had this done a long time ago.  Atleast before considering pregnancies.  As you can imagine, they(my veins, because THEY'RE people) got so much worse with each pregnancy.  After Max, I said I would take care of them after nursing and before another one.  Well ... doesn't always happen that way as I was pregnant again before I had finished nursing Max.  (WOW, I was fertile.)  

It could have been worse, but it could have been better.  I'm happy to be on the road to recovery.  Showering with a garbage bag duct taped around your leg is overrated. 

August 24th, 2014

I'm published!!

So, it's just one article, but I still feel pretty cool.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/natasha-walizer/what-is-a-teacher_b_5545882.html

Perhaps one of these blog entries will make it there one day.

July 1st, 2014